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It's every parent's worst nightmare—y'all get to cheque on your child in the middle of the dark, and she'south non there. Your middle starts pounding and you fly into panic manner, calling her friends, your relatives, and the police force.

Whether or not your kid has run away or threatened to practise so—or you fear that she might—information technology's vital that yous read this article. James Lehman has worked with runaway teens for many years, and in this new EP series he explains why kids run away, ways you can stop them, and how to handle their behavior when they come home.

[Editor'south Note: The intent of this commodity is to support parents in situations where their child uses running away as a faulty problem-solving skill in response to rules or limits that are beingness set in the dwelling. Sometimes there are underlying issues that may influence a child or teen to run away. This commodity is not intended to accost situations that may peradventure involve abuse, fail or other issues.]

"Kids who threaten to run away are using information technology for power."

Any child can run abroad at whatsoever fourth dimension if the circumstances are right. Believe me, if they're under plenty stress, any child can justify running away.

Don't forget, running away is similar whatever action. In order to practise it you need iii things: the power, the willingness and the opportunity. And let'due south face it, kids have the opportunity and ability to run every 24-hour interval—so all information technology really takes is the willingness to do it. That willingness tin develop for a variety of reasons. It could be a stressful state of affairs your kid is nether, a fright of getting consequences for something they did, a form of power struggle, not wanting to go to school, or a substance abuse problem.

Some other factor is that kids often idealize running abroad and develop a romanticized view of life on the streets. In reality, information technology'due south awful: you're cold, you lot're hungry and information technology's dangerous, but adolescents often encounter it equally an adventure or the central to liberty, where "No ane is going to tell me what to practise."

Why Kids Run Abroad

Many kids run away because of drug and alcohol corruption. When teens and pre-teens get involved in substance abuse, they may leave abode to hibernate it so their parents don't observe out. These kids are often using a lot more than their parents know; they want to use more freely and openly, and then they run away.

In addition to fear or acrimony, feelings of failure tin can also cause kids to leave home. Some children run abroad considering it's easier to alive on their own than to live in a critical home. I remember being xv years old and living in a hallway in the Bronx in winter. I didn't miss home at all because I felt like such a failure there. Sadly, kids with behavior management problems or learning disabilities often get tired of the feeling that they just can't get it correct; information technology's easier for them to run than to gear up the problem. Often, they don't know that what they're facing tin can be dealt with using other strategies.

In my opinion, the principal reason why kids run away is because they don't have skilful problem-solving skills. Running away is an "either/or" kind of solution; information technology's a product of black-and-white thinking. Kids run abroad because they don't want to face something, and that includes emotions they don't want to deal with. The adolescent who runs away has run out of trouble-solving skills. And leaving abode—along with everything that is overwhelming them—seems to solve their immediate problems.

Episodic vs. Chronic Running Away

I think it'due south very important to distinguish between kids who run away episodically, and those who are chronic runners. The reasons behind the deportment are quite dissimilar, and it's crucial to know what they are.

Episodic Running Away

When your child runs away after something has happened, it can be viewed as episodic running abroad. It'due south not a consistent blueprint, and your child is not using it as a problem-solving strategy all the fourth dimension. It's also not something they use to gain power. Rather, they might be trying to avoid some upshot, humiliation or embarrassment. I've known kids to leave habitation considering they were caught cheating in school or because they became significant and were afraid of their parents' disapproval.

Chronic Running Away

Kids who consistently use running abroad to gain power in the family accept a chronic problem. Realize that chronic running away is just another form of power struggle, manipulation, or acting out; it'due south but very high risk acting out. They may threaten their parents by saying, "If you make me exercise that, I'll run away." They know parents worry; for many, it's one of their greatest fears. Some parents may appoint in bargaining and over-negotiating with their kids over this when they shouldn't because they're afraid. But you need to understand that kids who threaten to run away are using it for power. This not only gives them power over themselves, merely power over their parents and their families as well. When a parent gives in to this threat, their child starts using it to railroad train them. For example, a parent in this state of affairs will learn to stop sending their kid to their room if he or she threatens to run away each time information technology happens. I want to exist clear here: kids who chronically threaten to run abroad are not running away to solve one problem. They're running abroad because that is their main problem-solving skill. They're trying to avoid any blazon of accountability.

Are there Alarm Signs?

Unfortunately, there are no real hard-and-fast signs that indicate your child is near to run away. Certainly, you lot can look for secretive behavior, the hoarding of money, and things of value disappearing around the business firm. If you ever notice this happening, don't plough a blind middle: trust your gut. You probably already know that something is up, whether information technology's substance abuse or your child's desire to get out home.

A Step-by-Pace Manner to Teach Your Kids that Running Away Won't Solve Their Problems

Teach Problem-Solving Skills

The most important matter you tin can do is teach your children problem solving skills. Inquire them, "What can you exercise differently about this problem? What are some ways we can deal with this trouble?" E'er arroyo something as a trouble that needs to be solved, and reward your kid when they are able to do it successfully. Be sure to say things like, "I liked the way you solved that problem, Josh. The teacher was upset, but you lot went up and apologized. That took guts. And now she has a better opinion of you. I'm really proud of you." As much as possible, praise your child when he does something positive.

Create an Atmosphere of Credence

Unconditional honey is an thought that is used a lot in parenting, just dissimilar people hateful dissimilar things past it. Some people say "unconditional dearest" but what they mean is "co-dependency." When I say unconditional beloved, I mean "I can't love you lot whatever less if you do poorly and I won't dear yous dearest anymore if y'all practise well. If you get an A I won't honey you any more. If you get a D I won't love you lot whatsoever less. I love you." I call up it's important for parents to have that kind of atmosphere in their house and to reinforce information technology with their kids. Information technology's also skilful for parents to say, "It'due south okay to make mistakes around here." Go far clear to your child that "the way we handle mistakes in our home is past facing up to them and dealing with them."

Bank check in with Your Child

All parents should have a system where they check in with their kids frequently. Just stop and ask, "How's information technology going? Annihilation you want assist with?" You tin say this two or three times in i day; go by their room and knock on the door. That fashion you're constantly giving your child hypodermic interest and affection. You're saying, "I'm interested in you, I intendance." This is a skill that parents can build; it doesn't always come naturally. I understand that parents who have worked all twenty-four hours come up home and they're tired. My wife and I were both social workers and when we came abode, the last affair we wanted to do was talk some more than. But we trained ourselves to do that so our son would know we were interested and that we cared. You never lose when you show that to a kid.

Talk to Your Child if Yous Call back He's at Adventure of Running

If you remember your child is at run a risk of running abroad or you know that his friends have done so, y'all want to sit down downwardly and talk with him. Always atmosphere your comments about other kids' behavior by what your child might be thinking. They hear you when you say, "Oh, that piffling hoodlum, if my kid ran away, he'd never come dwelling." Equally a parent, y'all need to exist careful about who'due south listening. What you really want to say to your kid is, "If you lot screw up and run away, don't hesitate to come dorsum and we'll talk virtually it." And if your child says, "Talk almost what?" I would say, "Talk nearly how to solve the problem differently."

Responding to Threats

When your child threatens to run abroad, I call back you should respond by saying, "Running abroad is not going to solve your problems. Y'all're going to have to take responsibility for this. And by the style, if you exercise run away, you're still going to take to face up this problem when you come home." And then tell them what will solve their problems: "These are the family rules and learning to bargain with the family rules is going to solve your problems. Non running away from them."I think you can give warnings, as well. You might say, "Listen, if you run away, I tin't stop you, just it's dangerous out at that place. I won't be able to protect you. And then not simply will you not solve your problems, y'all'll also be putting yourself at hazard. Bad things happen to kids and that's the gamble you lot're taking. I don't think information technology's worth it, Jenna." Every bit I mentioned before, you can also try to get them to accept a fourth dimension-out by saying, "Why don't yous simply calm down for five minutes and then allow'southward talk about it."Many families I've worked with wound up dealing with constant threats past saying, "Look, if you run, you run. But these are all the same our family rules." At some betoken, they stopped giving in because they realized it wasn't effective or healthy for their families or their child.

"I'1000 Outta Here!" When Your Child is about to Leave: 3 Things Parents Can Exercise in the Moment

Many kids leave habitation in the rut of an statement with their parents or after some major event. This action is probably not spontaneous—your child might have been because how they will run away for quite some fourth dimension. If you sense your child is about to exit, here are a few things you can practice or say to stop them:

ane. Endeavor to Get Them to At-home Downward

Endeavour to get your kid to calm down for five minutes. You can say, "Why don't you sit right here in the living room and take a timeout. I'll exist back in five minutes." I wouldn't tell your child to go to his room; have him stay right in that location in the living room or kitchen. It's not a adept idea to send him to his sleeping room. This is considering if he goes there and gets the impulse, he'due south going to climb out the window.

2. Inquire "What's Going on?" Not "How are You Feeling?"

When you talk to your child, don't ask him how he's feeling; enquire him what's going on. All kids want to argue about how they're feeling—or they want to deny that they're feeling anything at all. Oft parents get stuck in that location. So instead of, "Why are you and then upset?" try asking, "What's going on? What did you see that fabricated you want to go out?"

3. Use Persuasive Language

A really adept question to enquire your kid is, "So what's and so bad nigh this that you can't handle it?" Subsequently he or she tells you, you can say, "You've handled stuff similar this before. Kids your age bargain with this all the time and I know you can do it. Then you screwed up, it's not the end of the globe. Confront what you've got to face and so let's go on with life." That kind of reasoning is called "persuasive talking." As a parent, you're non giving in, but you're trying to persuade your kid that they're okay. I used this approach successfully in my practice with kids all the time; I establish that many teens yield to that blazon of persuasion.

Remember, kids run abroad from problems they can't handle. It's in our culture. Adolescents often run across running away equally a way to attain a sense of power and independence. They don't sympathise that it's false ability and independence, even so, because they tin't take care of themselves in a legitimate way on the streets. Still, those feelings can be very ingrained for some kids. Personally, I call up the near of import thing for a child to larn is how to solve his bug differently. Your kid is going to accept to face whatever he's avoiding eventually, and information technology'southward of the utmost importance that he understands that critical life lesson: "Somewhen, you're going to accept to face this."

When your child is out on the streets, you experience powerless, afraid and isolated. And if they make up one's mind to come up habitation, your joy can quickly plough to dread as you lot run across them fall into the old patterns of behavior that acquired them to run in the first place. In Office 2 of "Running Abroad" James explains what you lot can do when your under-age child runs away, and how to handle their behavior — and give them consequences— when they come up home.

Related Content: Teens and Privacy: Should I Spy on My Child?

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/running-away-part-i-why-kids-do-it-and-how-to-stop-them/